Family Help Tip: The Tough Part of Love

Family Help Tip: The Tough Part of Love

The word "love" isn't meant to be like jello, a gushy, feely, up one moment and down the next type of word. Love isn't always a "feel good" word packaged with a dozen red roses and a box of chocolates, or smothered with hugs and kisses and warm wooleys.

There is a tough part to the word "love" that is almost the exact opposite:

• This is the part of love that is tough as nails. It hangs in there when the road gets bumpy and the going gets tough.
  


• This part of love is the anchor that won't give up even when everything inside of you says to quit.
  


• This is the part of love that decides not to bail on your teenager when everything is going wrong.
  


• This is the part of love that disciplines your children for bad behavior, even when it's inconvenient. (Yes, it's true: It hurts you more than them, but it makes a point that there are consequences for your actions.)


• This is the part of love that continues to believe in someone no matter what. (It's easier to believe in yourself if someone else believes in you.)
  


• This is the part of love that is willing to walk through the mud and get dirty because you meant it when you said "Till death do us part."
  

The word "love" isn't just a Hersheys candy bar that melts in your mouth, but it's a power bar packed full of energy, purpose, and power. Tough love is the intentional part of love that strengthens it and holds it together.

Family Help Tip: The One THING that CAN'T Fail

Family Help Tip: The One Thing that Can't Fail -

I don't know about you, but I've had a few things in life that I tried and downright failed at. We all have things in our past that didn't go quite as planned, and we missed the mark and fell flat on our face. In fact, it may have left a mark or a scar on our life.

Here's the point though. As a whole, our culture is failing at family instead of winning at family. The divorce rate is sky high (according to one internet source, the US has the highest divorce rate in the world with the exception of Sweden, who is slightly ahead of us). More marriages are breaking up than staying together. Why???

Here's why families are failing: There is one important ingredient that is missing: "Love". Now, wait, before you say, "Oh, but that's not true", there is something you need to know about this word "love". I'm not talking about the world's definition of love, where I'll love you if you love me back. Or, I'll love you if you make me happy and do the right things... or I'll love you if I feel like it. NO, that isn't true love! True love is unconditional. It doesn't jump out of the boat when there's water in it... Instead, it starts bailing so it can keep afloat! This love doesn't give up, believes in the other person, is patient, and doesn't retaliate in anger and selfishness.

Now, I'm not saying this is an easy kind of love! In fact, this love is contrary to human nature... to give without expecting anything in return. But, I can promise you this. If you walk in this kind of love, you CAN'T FAIL at marriage or at family.

Family Help Tip: The Spark that Started The Fire

Imagine, if you will, a raging forest fire that is enveloping everything around it. It's out of control. How did it all start? It started with a single spark.

A spark seems harmless enough, but ask my son Joey who decided to fry a worm with a magnifying glass on top of a bail of hay on a hot, extremely dry summer day in August, how much harm a single spark can do. That little spark charred the entire field (1 1/2 acres) in less than 5 minutes. Fortunately the house was on the opposite side of the driveway, so it was untouched. Let's just say, it wasn't just a worm-frying moment, as we feverishly splashed buckets of water here, there, and everywhere!

So, what am I getting at? Our words can be sparks. Brash, unkind, words laced with anger can easily start a fire. It really doesn't take much... just a word or two with just the right tone, and before you know it, you've started a nice hot, roaring fire. (And this fire isn't the type of fire that you want to huddle around, roast marshmallows and enjoy a mouth-watering s'more).

Family Help Tips for Single Parents

Family Help Tips for Single Parents - My hat goes off to all you single parents! You got a tough job doing it on your own. I know it's a difficult role to be in, so first and foremost I want to encourage you to keep your head up and keep plowing forward. You can do it, I know you can!

Here's just a few tips and ideas:

• Don't look back

We all have moments of regret when the "I wish I would have, could have, should have" thoughts come up. But the past is the past, and there's nothing you can do about it! What you do have is today, and today, you can make a difference in the lives of your children. Today, you can help steer your kids towards making right decisions and reaching their potential.

• Be a tough cookie and stick to your guns

Kids have this natural tendency to push until they get their way. But you gotta stick to your guns! My oldest daughter (now 18... wow time goes fast!) at 4 years old, could throw temper tantrums like you wouldn't believe! You do not know how easy it would have been to just give in to her and let her have what she wanted!!!! But, I couldn't do that! I knew I had to be stronger than her, because her character and future behavior depended on me not taking the easy route. So, sure enough, she knew, if she misbehaved, a spanking was the end result, consistently! Don't forget that tough love is real love!

• Add God to your equation

In Psalms 68:5, it says that God is a father to the fatherless. Seek God's wisdom and guidance when it comes to raising your kids and being a good parent. He is the ultimate source, not only of wisdom, but also of strength: Strength, when you feel all hope is lost, and strength to help steer a stubborn child in the right direction. I leaned on that strength daily when my kids were young (especially in the case of that one very stubborn child!). And, I still lean on him today for wisdom, now that my kids are going through the teenage years. The Bible has TONS to say about raising kids (especially the book of Proverbs). You don't know how many times I prayed to God this very simple, yet powerful prayer, "Help me Lord!"

• Know that there are no shortcuts and easy solutions
  

There are no shortcuts to parenting. You have go through the mud, the dense forests, the swamps, and the rough terrain with your kids side by side. It's not easy, but you're in it for the long haul! Yes, you're going to get dirty and it's going to hurt sometimes. There's going to be some scrapes and wounds along the way, but remember you're fighting for your kids! You're the one leading the way!!! You're fighting for their character. You're fighting for their potential. You're fighting for their future. And, all of these are well worth fighting for.

So, may hat goes off to all you single parents. If you don't get anything else from this post, then get this one thing: You don't have to take this journey alone! Look up instead of looking down! God wants to help you fill in the missing pieces and the gaps; to be there for you when this whole parenting thing is overwhelming! Amazingly enough, He will help you if you ask!

Family Help Tip: Dollar Store or Marshall Fields?

My question for the Family Help Tip today is: What value do you place on your family? Do you have a Dollar Store mentality of your family, or a Marshall Fields mentality? Consider this: The value of an item is determined by the cost you're willing to pay for it? If you want to buy a cheap t-shirt, you can go to the Dollar Store and purchase a shirt off the clearance rack. But, if you want to purchase something that will last longer and make a fashion statement, then you're definitely not driving to your local Dollar Store, but rather a more elite store like Marshall Fields. You can buy cheap off-brand products, or you can go for the gold and purchase name brand items: The bottom line is: How much are you willing to spend for that item?

So, switching gears to your marriage and your kids: On a scale of 1 to 10, 10 being the highest, take a minute to do an honest evaluation. How much have you invested into your family up to his point? Write it down. Are you taking the Dollar Store approach, and investing a couple dollars here and there by flippantly saying "I love you" (if even that), but not being willing to invest quality time or add value to your family relationships? Perhaps the root to some of your family problems is "valuelessness" (I'm not sure if that's a real word or not?) ...i.e. not placing enough value on your family, your marriage, and your kids. (Ouch, that hurt!)

Here's the deal! You need to be honest with yourself. Is the reason your marriage is in shambles because you didn't invest enough time or energy into making it work? Is the reason your kids are driving you crazy because you aren't spending enough time parenting them and being there for them? Is the reason you are no longer communicating to your spouse, because you quit trying? Here's a good test:

• When is the last time you took your wife out on a date (Yes, you are supposed to keep dating your wife!)?

• When is the last time you complimented your husband, and on purpose said something nice to him, instead of complaining about all the unfinished projects around the house?

• When is the last time you sat down and listened to your teenager and tried to get into his/her world?
  

• When is the last time you took a day off to spend with one of your kids? (If you're a school teacher, plug your ears, but yes, why not have a "Skip Day"... Your kids will love you for that one!)
  

• When is the last time you went on a family vacation?
  

• When is the last time your family sat down and ate dinner together, or even spent more than 10 minutes together at a time?
  

• When is the last time you played basketball with your son?
  

• When is the last time you had a family night?
  

• When is the last time you went to your daughter's soccer game, to show her that you're her biggest fan?
  

• When is the last time you took your teen out for ice cream for no reason?
  

• When is the last time you told your kids you were proud of them and then bragged on something they did?
  

Quit being cheap! Even if you're dutch, family is one thing you don't want to skimp on! I'll end with this whopper of a question, that might end up being a punch in the gut. But hey, if it hurts, then it needed to be said:

If you're not sold on your family, why should they be?

Family Help Tip: Once Upon A Time

Once upon a time there was this quiet, shy girl named Kally. One day, while studying in the library for her college exams, she met this strikingly handsome prince named Dan. Dan swept her off her feet, they got married, rode off into the sunset and lived happily ever after. (Are you gagging yet?) Okay, there are a few missing pieces to this story. And today you get to hear part of the real story...

All fairy tales aside, I'm sharing part of my story (more to come later, I'm sure!) because I want you to know we've struggled with winning at family just like you. Honestly, it's a God thing that my husband and I are still doing life together, and that we are happily married. There's a verse in Psalms that says,

"We went through fire and through water; But You brought us out to rich fulfillment."

We did literally go through a fire, but that's another episode in our life. Today's episode is about a huge, defining word called "failure". We went through a huge business upset... one of those things that happens when you have an entrepreneurial spirit, and you can't help launching new ideas. Well let's just say, this idea didn't work. In fact, it bombed! And after it bombed, we splattered. It created a huge financial crash of insurmountable size (Are you getting the bleakness of this picture?). We mortgaged our house to the max to pay every last penny we could, and we owed everyone and their brother, and then some. No money coming in, and lots going out! Plus, at that time I was 9 months pregnant, now with NO insurance, no job, and in a seemingly hopeless situation. (By the way, I've paid hospital costs without insurance for 2 of my 4 kids). Literally, the life was sapped out of both of us from trying to stay afloat. We would sigh ourselves to sleep at night not wanting to face the next day. (Creditors were constantly calling and knocking at our door!)

What I want to point out is that this could have easily ruined our marriage. A little finger pointing and playing the blame game, along with taking a long guilt trip, and it would have been over. But here's what saved our marriage and our family as we passed through the eye of the storm:

• I learned in the storm that God is truly the only One you can lean on for strength to get through the really bad and ugly in life. Without Him, we wouldn't be were we are today. We would still be at the bottom of the pit and would have just given up. His strength was our survival source! (By the way, trials of this size really test the foundation of your faith! The time to learn how to swim is not when the boat is sinking, if you get my drift!)

• Romans 5:3-5 says this, "Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us. " ----- I wasn't particularly thrilled about the "rejoice" part of this verse, but I would tease my husband and say that we were going to be a couple of characters when this was all said and done! (And trust me, we are!)

• I recognized that the value of my husband and my family far surpassed every material thing that I lost. "Things" don't mean that much to me anymore. People are what's important. Things will come and go... and it all could be gone in the blink of an eye. But your spouse and your family, they're worth fighting for!

I'll end with this because I know I'm getting really long, and I don't want to be the energizer bunny that keeps gabbing and gabbing:

• I remember one particular instance during the eye of the storm that I was driving home from work, alone in my car, crying out to God. Life was so upside down, that I couldn't see any glimmer of light in the distance. I'd like to say I was praying, but really, I was complaining to God. And then I said this outloud, "God I quit!" I didn't really know what I meant by that, but I wasn't sure how to pick myself up off the floor. The moment I said that, a thought came whizzing through my head (not an audible voice, but I knew it was definitely from God). This is what it said, "Okay quit. If all you're here for is yourself, then go ahead and quit." Now that immediately got my attention, and in fact felt like a slap in the face. So much for feeling sorry for myself! I then argued with this thought. "What do I have left to give? I don't have anything. I've lost it all." Another thought then shot through my mind, "Don't you know that you're here for a greater purpose than yourself?" That was it! That was how I could make it through. Life wasn't just about me, but about being here for other people.... starting with Dan, Brittany, Joey, Anna, and Daniel, and now... it's about being here for you!
  

Family Help Tip: Wishing Isn't The Same As Believing

Many of us wish that things could be better for our family, but that's as far as we go with it. We wish, and wish, and wish upon that star that's way up in the sky:

• We wish our marriage would be better.
• We wish our kids would listen to us and not throw those temper tantrums.
  
• We wish our family problems would disappear into thin air.
• We wish we could communicate with our spouse better and actually understand them.
  
• We wish we could change the direction our teen is headed towards.
• We wish our family finances weren't in such a financial straight jacket.
• We wish we didn't have to go home to a house full of arguing and turmoil.
• We wish we could see eye to eye with a family member.
• We wish the dog wouldn't dig up the yard.
• And the list goes on and on....
  

But the problem with wishing, is the star isn't within your reach. Wishing never makes things happen.... but believing does! If you really believe in your family, then you'll do something about it. The difference between wishing and believing is that one is passive and the other is proactive. If you truly believe in something you'll invest everything you've got into making it happen.

So, let's reword what we said above:

• Quit wishing you could save your marriage... Instead answer "What steps am I going to take to save my marriage? How can I show my husband/wife that I love them unconditionally? How can I invest more time into our relationship and show more value to my spouse? Do I need to apologize for past behavior that wounded my spouse's heart and took away their trust? "

• Quit wishing that family problems would disappear... Instead answer, "How am I going to resolve this family problem? Who do I need to talk to for advice? What books can I read for insight? What steps am I going to take to resolve it?"

• Quit wishing your teen would turn around... Instead answer, "What boundaries am I going to set to keep him/her from making poor choices and what will the consequences be? (Remember, you are the parent!) How can I improve my relationship with my teen? Who is my teen hanging out that they shouldn't be hanging out with? How can I start investing good things into my teen to offset the negative influence? (Maybe find a church youth group so your teen can build some good, healthy relationships)"

• Quit wishing your 5 year old would quit throwing tantrums.... Instead answer, "What disciplinary action am I going to take to keep him/her from throwing tantrums? (Don't forget to add a reassuring comment that you will always love that child even when they make poor choices, but it's because you love them that you aren't allowing them to continue this behavior).

• Quit wishing you weren't in such a financial mess... Instead answer, "What resources am I going to use to set up a budget and a plan to eventually work my way out of this mess? (I strongly recommend, Dave Ramsey's program, "Total Money Makeover") What spending habits do I need to change? What credit cards do I need to cut up?"

• Quit wishing you didn't have to go home to a house full of arguing... Instead answer, "What types of words am I going to STOP speaking?" (It's not any fun to argue with someone whose not going to retaliate back... Better yet that speaks kindness in return for anger!)

• AND LAST BUT NOT LEAST, Quit wishing the dog would stop digging up the yard... Actually, I don't have an answer to that one, because I have two dogs that fit that category. Uugh! You're on your own for that one!
  

Today's Family Help Challenge: "Quit wishing and just start believing!"

Family Help Tip: Not Seeing But Still Believing

"Believing" is the first step to saving your marriage, helping a troubled teen find his way back home again, or overcoming family problems that seem insurmountable. The key is to believe before you see. Seeing isn't believing: Believing is seeing... seeing the possibilities in your family, no matter how slim the chances may be. If you don't believe, then you won't step out and do something about it. You won't even try to save a marriage that's headed for divorce, or look for resources to help your family get back on its feet again. The key to helping your family is not setting your expectations on what you see in front of you, but to believe for something better:

• Believe in the possibility of restoring your family.
  
• Believe that it's possible to save your marriage.
• Believe that you can reach into the life of your teen and help him/her do an about face.
  
• Believe that you can learn how to communicate better with your spouse.
• Believe that there is a way to harness your unruly child with proper discipline and love.
• Believe in not giving up on your family!

If you believe, then you will see the possibilities. But it doesn't stop there, because the next step is to act on what you believe so that eventually you'll see what you believe come to pass.... And that's when you begin winning at family!

Family Help Tip: Today Deserves A Chance

I'm so excited, that my head is spinning... My very first, real live post for Winning at Family! I'm not even sure where to start. I hope you don't mind that I write like I talk, cuz I'm a pretty down-to-earth person. So, here it goes. The thought for the day: "Every day deserves a chance." That means that today there is a chance that things can turn around for your family. Probably not altogether, but what about focusing on one small family thing... What I'm saying is "Give your family a chance." Don't give up. The moment you run out of chances you've lost the game. So, my challenge to you is to find ONE THING that you can do to take a chance and invest in your family:

• One more chance to make things right with a family member.
• One more chance to say the right thing.
• One more chance to reach out to your teen that's giving you a cold shoulder.
• One more chance to tell your husband you love him.
• One more chance to say "I'm sorry" and try and make amends.
• One more chance to listen to your wife and try to understand her point of view.
  

But here's the cool thing: You've got more than one chance when it comes to family! You have a lifetime of chances. Don't lose your family because you weren't willing to step out and take a chance. Don't miss out on that one chance that could help you begin winning at family.

Winning at Family Introduction

The family today is suffering a severe crisis. It's falling apart at the seams, almost effortlessly. But here's the problem with this picture: When the family crumbles, society as a whole begins to crumble... Priorities become mixed up, black and white becomes gray, and children are left grasping for stability and a sense of purpose. In fact, the definition of family has lost its true meaning and value."Family" to some is no longer a happy word, but it's a word that brings pain, disappointment, and heartache.

"Winning at Family" is here to turn this scenario around, one family at a time: To bring hope and direction, to help the family get back on its feet. If you're looking for answers to your family issues, stick around, and you'll find the help you're looking for. Whether you have a good family and want to make it better, or if your family is down and out and you're grasping for something to hold onto, we're here to help.

Who are we? Dan and I are just a couple of ordinary people with a passion to reach out to those who are hurting and offer hope and direction. Dan was an Assistant Pastor for six years, and throughout that time, God has shown us that the family is in dire need of answers. Thus, this blog, and eventually our new program, fresh off the press, "35 1/2 Days to Winning at Family" are emerging. We've experienced life, just like you have, both the good, the bad, and even the ugly. Our goal is to share with you some powerful truths, so that marriages can be saved, family problems can be resolved, and divorce can be a word that is eliminated from the family vocabulary. No matter what your family situation, you can benefit from our blog and eventually from our program. And, NO, we are not the "churchy" or "preachy" type. I promise, you don't need a christian background to get what we're talking about. We're here to address everyday issues that hit home with all of us.

So, if you're tired of losing at family, then you're at the right place. If you just need some brushing up, then you're also at the right place. If you want to invest in your family, then you're definitely at the right place. (Which is hopefully all of us!) Continue to check out this blog and experience the extreme benefits of winning at family.